~~~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~~~ rough draft

YOUR PLAN MAY NOT BE GOD’S PLAN.

     That brings me to today.  The strip mall has only one tenant, Hotstepper.net, an online shopping store my wife Jenny and I own, and decided to expand into a brick and mortar store.  My thinking was simple, put in my own store to get the ball rolling for the building.  Hotstepper.net would generate revenue in the form of rent for the building, and also show some activity to help bring in more tenants. That never materialized.

     Today (Nov. 8, 2008) the nation is in one of the worst recessions in decades, and on top of that there is a major credit crunch under way.  Our construction loan ran out in April of this year (2008), and the bank wants to know how we are going to pay up.  Hotstepper.net is closed; the store could not even afford to pay the $140,000 loan payment I got to open the store, let alone rent to the building. 

     So here I am with a house I leveraged to the top that I am now upside-down in, a strip mall with no tenet’s, and a closed store that still has a loan to the bank.  On top of that Jenny and I have basically been living on credit cards hoping something would change.

Even if I worked 60 hours a week as a concrete finisher it would not come close to paying all the bills.

     You now have a basic idea of what’s going on in my life and in my head.  I do believe God has a plan for all of us. Maybe that plan takes some time to figure out, and first you need to go through some of life’s up’s and down’s.  If you never experience life’s disappointments, how can you really begin to help someone else?  Everything in life can be looked at in many different ways, and its how you choose to see your life that makes the difference in what you will do in the future.  So I am trying to look at my life as one big learning experience.  I know there are people out there that would say I am just justifying my failure, and maybe to an extent their right.  But I am going to continue writing through this experience for two basic reasons.  

First; to help reinforce my belief that God does have something better planned for me.

Second; to try and understand these feelings better so maybe I can help someone else.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START LOVING SOMEONE.

     Next we went to my Grandma Betty Klint’s house.  Grandpa (Bob Klint ) passed away in Feb. of 2000, but grandma continued to live in the same house they enjoyed together when he was alive.  When Jenny and I arrived, my daughter Megan was already there.  Megan is not Jenny’s blood daughter and she had spent the morning with her mom Cindy Kiefers side of the family.  I was looking forward to spending time with her on Thanksgiving so it was very nice to see her there already.  I am not going to write much about it today but in a nutshell Megan is 19 years old and came into my life about 3 ½ years ago when she was 15.  She lived in Florida until a few months ago (August 2008) but now lives with me.  I love her to death and am so happy she is part of my life now, but sometimes the feelings of guilt for not being part of her first 15 years is terrible.  I plan to explore my feelings and write more on the subject later, but not today.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

FIX THE FOUNDATION ~“UNDERLYING PROBLEM”~ AND THE STRUCTURE WILL BE STRONGER.

     They were up and listening to my conversation with Mark!  This was bad; I had some explaining to do!  They didn’t come out of their room right away, in fact my Dad came out alone, and he waited until my phone call was over.  Probably because he figured more could be learned by listening to the conversation instead of putting an end to it.  What had happened was over, and there was no way to change that, so why not listen to as much as possible, and then try to fix the underlying problem.

     Anyway, as soon as he came out I knew something wasn’t right, the way he looked at me, the tone in his voice, or maybe just those darn instincts again.  He asked me to go out on the patio to talk, and right away I started trying to figure out what he heard, and what I was going to say.  It didn’t take long to realize that he either didn’t hear the whole conversation, or didn’t understand it.  Because he wanted to know:

IF I WAS DOING DRUGS!!!

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

     Anyway back to the story, Wanda and I drove down the road to an isolated spot that was usually used as our “inspiration point”.  I parked and asked her with a nervous, but concerned voice “O.K. were here, what’s up?”  I guess because she had stalled so long already, I was not expecting her to just blurt it out.  But that’s exactly what she did “I’m pregnant Scott!” as her eyes started to fill.

     Even though I already had an idea why we were going for a ride, it still threw me for a loop to actually hear the words.   I’m pregnant Scott….I’m pregnant Scott…. I’m pregnant Scott….I’m pregnant Scott….  The words must have echoed through my head a hundred times in about 10 seconds while we sat in silence!  I felt that jolt of heat a person feels when something shocks or embarrasses them, and for a second or so I even got a little dizzy.  After this 10 seconds of shock wore off the next emotion was FEAR!!!

How would I raise a child?

What will my family say?

Will her Dad kill me?

And then

I wonder if she’ll have an abortion???

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

THE REAL MEANING OF “DARK”.


But even though I know this job is ending soon, and Jenny and I still may lose our house, my feelings are not really “DARK” anymore.

In the beginning of these writings I mentioned how my family knew that I was upset about this whole bankruptcy thing, but they didn’t really know how “DARK” my thoughts got some times. Well, the truth is something that I have not reveled to anyone, and up until today I wasn’t planning on putting in this journal because now it’s just so embarrassing to admit these thoughts were even going through my head a few months ago.

I thought maybe suicide was the answer.

I’ve prided myself a lot in the past on being a fairly tough guy that’s got life under control for the most part, and thought suicide was for losers…..people that weren’t strong enough to deal with the real world, and that’s why I’m so ashamed to admit these kind of thoughts entered my head.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

SO YOU WANT IT FOR FREE?


The fact that I have been feeling better lately only adds to my belief on this subject. When I started these writings in November I was in a bad place emotionally. I was very embarrassed and upset that not only did the strip mall fail, but some friends and family were involved and they were going to be hurt financially by this. Don’t get me wrong, those feelings are still there, they didn’t go away totally…..BUT NOW THEIR IN PERSPECTIVE! I believe in my heart that they are getting better because I am putting an effort into it, and I don’t mean with alcohol or drugs. I mean with the help of God, my family, and these writings, I am slowly remembering what’s really important and at the same time feeling stronger and stronger fighting some of my temptations. We don’t expect people on this earth to give us things for free…..why do we so often expect God to??!!

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

THESE ARE MY OPINIONS AND MINE ALONE.


So typing seemed like my only option, Jenny can type but she works all day and I don’t want to bother her once she comes home, especially when I really need something to do anyway. When I first started typing it would take me forever to find each key and I only used my index fingers. Now I seem to have the keyboard kind of memorized and am using my middle fingers also. Needless to say this still takes a long time, also I decided to add a heading every so often along with some bible verses’ and quotes I like. Now I’m typing directly into the computer, skipping the paper all together. I did correct a few sentences’ that seemed to run on or sounded funny to me, but the story is the same. No one except Jenny knows that I’m trying to write my way through these problems I’m having and I plan on keeping it that way.

The reason is that although I have decided to try my hand at being an author I’m still not sure how this will all come across to people, and if at the end of this financial crises I change my mind and decide to just keep this as my personal journal I will want it to be just that…..personal. Also I don’t want any help or opinions with the subject matter, I want to do this totally on my own and my statements to be straight from me and my feelings without any outside help.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.


These things can’t be accomplished sitting on the couch or lying in bed. The great martial artist and movie star Bruce Lee had a philosophy on working out that was “Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it.” Bruce was a fitness freak, but he realized that as great as he was….HE COULD BE BETTER. This led him to be constantly researching and trying new fitness techniques. Many people tried to tell him how he should approach fitness and sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn’t. If something worked for Bruce he stuck with it, even if people told him that he wasn’t doing it right. He didn’t follow the crowd; he did what he found to work for him. Also Bruce was smart enough to know that some things were not even worth trying. I mean what kind of person would believe that sitting on the couch eating or getting drunk at night would help you in your quest to improve your fitness level. I’ll tell you who, someone that lies to themselves.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

Hi, my name is Scotty Edman and I would like to welcome you on my journey! When I first started this project (Nov. 2008), it felt like the world was coming to an end for me. I had spent the last 20 years or so working and partying. Giving little thought to God and what He wanted for me. Even though I was raised in a Christian household, once my parents grip was not so tight on me I found ALL kinds of ways to get into trouble!


The drinking started during High School parties when I was 17, if I remember right. But shortly after graduating from school, I FOUND COCAINE! This lead to all kinds of things that no parent would want for their child! During this time (When I was around 21 years old), I became a father. I’m not going to tell the story now, but I will say that I missed the first 15 years of her (Megan’s) life……..BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY BEING AN IDIOT!!!

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

YOU SPEND TIME ON THINGS YOUR PROUD OF……THESE THINGS DEFINE WHO YOU ARE!


I realize now that when you pride yourself on something, that’s basically you defining yourself. If these things are unhealthy spiritually, or emotionally then your definition of yourself will also be unhealthy. My mom has told me that I have an extremist personality and I don’t think I disagree. This type of personality can work in your favor when doing something constructive, but if that extremist personality also effect’s areas of your life that are counterproductive (Or just downright bad) this can lead to disaster. In my past years of partying there were times that I prided myself on being able to drink the most, or pick up the most girl’s, WHATS THE POINT IN THAT! It was my extremist personality wanting to be the best at whatever I did, even if it was not such a noble cause. The sport of wrestling was another source of pride for me in the past, and this source of pride was not counterproductive to life. Once I started to show signs of being a good wrestler my extremist personality helped me to get even better. However, even pride in an honest event can become bad if your actions become conceitful. No one really wants to hear over and over about the great things you’re doing or have accomplished! Unfortunately my actions became counterproductive after achieving a few small goals in wrestling.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

YOUR BEHAVIORS WILL BECOME YOUR HABITS.


A persons behavior becomes their habits, and knowing this worries me even more due to the fact I don’t want to have these feelings of laziness with me the rest of my life. In many other areas of my life I’ve noticed this theory of behaviors becoming habits take place for the good as well as for the bad. This behavior of sleeping or lying around is definitely something I don’t want to become a habit. However the behavior of eating right, exercising, putting family first are just a few things that I would like to see become habits. Problem is once again it takes time, and if you stop doing a positive thing before it starts becoming a habit you will never know how doing a good thing could have affected your life.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

O.K back to my story.


I’ve always had a theory on how to get most women if they held my basic principles and so far step one and two was working. See I figured most women want a guy they find attractive. Next most women like to laugh, have a good time and talk to someone that makes sense. I know I’m not the best looking guy, but I figured because Jenny had said yes to our first date I was covered there. Step one done. The part about having a good time, laughing, and good conversation also seemed to be happening without much effort on our first two dates. Step two, check. That leaves step three, the final step, this was a step that was usually reserved for someone I really liked and Jenny fit the bill! Step three was to introduce her to my family, and not just any old “come over and meet my mom and dad thing” I’m talking about inviting the girl to a family function that would make her feel like part of my family, if even just for the day. Like I said earlier, I consider my family to be one of the bright spots in my life, and even though I was spending much of my time drinking and partying, our family events are nothing of the sort. That’s why I said earlier if the girl shared my basic principals my three step process had a chance to work. I didn’t really think family parties should be drunken affairs and neither would any girl that shared my real principals. I can’t count the number of girls over the years that came from broken families and told me that they wish they could spend Christmas in a loving stable home like I had.

~~~"BULLETPROOF....THE LIFESTYLE"~~~ rough draft

ANALYZE IT, AND MOVE ON!


So every day I look for these things in life to distract myself from my own personal problems, however since the economy in general seems to be having its toughest time in decades while I simultaneously go through my toughest test financially I find it very hard not to fall into the “doom and gloom” mentality my mom has warned me about. I know that just sitting around thinking about all the things I could have done different doesn’t help much but “knowing” is way different than “doing”. I say it doesn’t help much because actually I do believe it does help a little. Failure in anything should be thought about and analyzed so you don’t make the same mistakes again, however once you have determined why and how things went wrong move on. I mean without thinking about your failure and being honest with yourself about why it happened you will most likely do it again. On the other hand obsessing about something you can’t change causes a lot of the problems I am personally experiencing right now in life, lack of drive, bad attitude, and just a general feeling of depression. I believe and understand these things in my heart so why am I still having such a hard time getting through this. If I just follow my own writings everything should be fine, but for some reason it’s not that simple.